Peachy
The Peachmeister
Registered: Jan 2003
Location: Horny, hellbound and happy in the Harem with Meryl Marie
Posts: 257 |
Elanorh, July?! July?!! I'll be reading my copy on Saturday as soon as I get my hands on it!
Limericks in the Dark.
When Frodo opened his eyes, he wondered if he had; for it was as if
he had dreamt the arrival of the Harem at BEWTE. No one was anywhere near
him. Just imagine his shock! He could hear no Haremites, see none of them
in his bedroom, and he could feel nothing except the mattress under him.
Very slowly he got up and walked about, till he touched the wall of
the smial, but neither up nor down it could he find anything; nothing at
all, no sign of Haremites, no sign of Gorbag. His head was swimming, and
he was far from certain even of whether they had been there at all (apart
from the lingering smell of post-coital cigarettes).
He did not get much further but sat down on the cold floor and gave
himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself
frying bacon and eggs in his kitchen without his Haremites around him; and
that only made him miserabler.
He could not think what to do; nor could he think what had happened;
or why he had been left alone; or why, if he had been left alone, the Haremites
had not left a message.
After some time he felt for his pipe. It was not broken, and that was
something. Then he felt for his pouch, and there was some tobacco in it,
and that was something more. Then he felt for matches and he could not find
any at all, and that shattered his hopes completely. Just as well for him,
as he agreed much later when he came to his senses. Goodness know what the
striking of matches would have brought out on him - a horde of Haremites
delighted to find him awake. Still at that moment he felt very crushed.
It seemed that he had been quite forgotten; and this was surprising about
the Haremites, considering how much time they spent inside his breeches.
Suddenly without any warning he stepped splash into water. It was surprisingly
warm. That pulled him up sharp and short. He stopped, and he could hear,
when he listened hard, drops drip-drip-dripping from an unseen tap, but there
seemed no other sort of sound.
‘So it is from the bathroom,’ he thought, and went cautiously in.
He could see someone watching him from a giant copper and timber bath, with
eyes gleaming in the dark. Suddenly up came a Haremite and whispered,
‘Bless us, it’s the Squire!’ And when she said ‘Squire’ she made a
delectable purring noise in her throat. The hobbit jumped nearly out of
his skin, and suddenly saw the other Haremites in a mountain of bubbles.
‘Perhaps you should sit here and chat with us a bit. We’ve all been waiting for you. You like limericks, don’t you, Frodo?’
‘That must be quite a large bath,’ Frodo stammered, undoing his clothes.
He was anxious to get in, at any rate for the moment, because he thought
the bubbles might hide the condition he was in.
‘Yes, now get in and we’ll tell each other limericks. You don’t get any cuddles until you’ve guessed the answers.’
‘You go first,’ said Frodo, because he had not had time to think of one.
So one of the Haremites chanted:
Who’s in the Harem that everyone sees,
Is greener than trees
and a cookie guts,
if they have no nuts?
‘Easy!’ said Frodo. ‘Gorbag, I suppose.’
‘Yes, that was easy,’ said the Haremite, and reached over and kissed him smack on the lips. ‘Your turn.’
‘All right!’ said Frodo, and nearly bursting his brain to think of limericks or riddles that could help him along.
Thirty sweet Haremites love to give these licks -
at a camp,
chew and clamp,
and nibble them off sticks.
That was all he could think of to ask - the idea was rather on his mind.
‘Chestnuts!’ cooed one of the Haremites.
‘Pardon?’ said Frodo.
‘Your innuendo is getting smuttier every day,’ said one of her sisters, and flicked bubbles at her.
‘Marshmallows!’ said another lass, and did a swan dive into the bath, coming
up in Frodo’s lap. Frodo was still trying to regain his breathing when another
lass, eager for her turn, asked the next riddle.
Fanfic she writes,
makes the heart flutter,
sometimes she bites,
can be found in the gutter.
‘Half a moment!’ cried Frodo, who was still thinking uncomfortably about
marshmallows. Fortunately he had once heard something rather like this before,
and getting his wits back he thought of the answer. ‘Well, that could be
a lot of you, but - Ariel?’
‘Damn, he’s good,’ said Ariel. ‘Must have been the hickey I gave him on his - ‘
‘Good guess!’ said the rest of the Harem, and proceeded to give Frodo cuddles.
Steam rose from the bath. He was so pleased that he made one up on the
spot.
A blue eye in Fro’s face
Saw an eye in a star’s face
‘That eye is like to this eye’
Said the first eye,
‘But in low place,
Not in high place.’
‘Oooh,’ said the Harem. They had been at Tol Eressea a long time, but
not so long they had forgotten about ‘stars’ on earth. Especially not -
‘Elwood!’ said a lass triumphantly. ‘Well done, Frodo, you remembered!’
And there were further cuddles, to the extent a lot of water and bubbles
slopped over onto the floor. What is more they made Frodo very hot, so to
prolong the fun the lasses tried to think of something a bit more difficult.
It can be used to make knees melt,
it cheekily aims below the belt.
It’s often blamed for Harem thills
and many love its naughty skills.
It ignites knickers fore and after,
here is rife, causes laughter.
Unfortunately for the Harem Frodo had heard that sort of thing before; and the answer was all around him any way.
‘Smut!’ he said, without even scratching his head or putting on his thinking cap.
A thing without a key is hid,
And sometimes to the bedroom bid,
he asked to gain time, until he could think of a really hard one.
(All right, stop tittering.)
This he thought dreadfully easy, though he had not asked it in the usual
words. But the Haremites argued long about this one, and giggled a great
deal. After some while Frodo became bemused. ‘Well, what is it?’ he said.
‘The answer’s not a kettle boiling over, although that is what I am starting
to feel like.’
But suddenly one lass yelped, ‘Oh, it has to be those manacles of Pearl’s!’
‘Oh blimey,’ said Pearl. ‘It’s always me who’s picked on as the resident sadomasochist.’ Then she asked:
They are warm as breath,
get tickled to death;
always furry, never stinking,
help to show the thoughts you’re thinking.
She also in her turn thought this was a dreadfully easy one, because
she was always thinking of the answer. All the same it was a poser for Frodo,
who was having difficulty concentrating at all by this stage. I imagine
you know the answer, of course, since you are sitting comfortably at home
and have not the potential of being ravished to disturb your thinking.
Frodo sat and cleared his throat once or twice, but no answer came.
After a while the Harem because to giggle with pleasure to themselves: ‘Isn’t he beautiful? Isn’t he scrumptiously shaggable?’
‘Half a moment,’ said the hobbit, stammering. ‘I can’t think straight just now.’
‘You must make haste, haste!’ said the lasses, beginning to move over to
get at Frodo. But one lass jumped forward in her eagerness and fell on Frodo’s
toes.
‘Oh!’ he said. ‘They are warm and ticklish!’ - and so he guessed. ‘Feet! feet!’ he cried. ‘It is feet!’
The Harem was not at all disappointed, and Frodo asked another riddle as
quick as ever he could, so the lasses did not accidentally drown him in their
excitement.
Two-legs lay on four-legs, two-legs jumped from three-legs, two-legs got some.
It was not really the right time for this riddle, but Frodo was in a
hurry. As it was, talking of feet, ‘two-legs’ was not so very difficult,
and after that the rest was easy. ‘Me on a bed, a Haremite jumps from a
stool and lands on me,’ that of course is the answer, and the Harem soon
gave it. Then he thought the time had come to ask something easy - he really
wasn’t in the mood to play with riddles much longer. This is what he said:
This thing has astounding powers:
lovers all of trees and flowers:
True to Frodo as to steel:
There to cook his every meal:
Shows love of great renown
And tangles in his eiderdown.
The Haremites sat in the dark thinking of all the lovely lasses they
could name individually, but all of them had done these things. They began
to get hot, and that is bad for thinking. Frodo began to move towards them.
Their tongues seemed to stick in their mouths, and they all wanted to shout
out ‘Shag me! Shag me!’ But all that came out with a sudden squeal was ‘Me!
Me!’
The Harem was saved by pure luck. For ‘me’ - well, The Harem - was the answer.
Frodo was not disappointed any more. He was getting flustered, and
forgetful of the game. It had made him very hot indeed. The Harem was swarming
towards him in the dark. This made him dreadfully hot, and he fell back
with the bath behind him.
In a moment the Harem was on him. Whistles blew, angels wept, swords rattled,
Haremites swore and thrashed hither and thither, falling over one another
and getting very excited. There was a fabulous outcry, to-do, and disturbance.
‘Yes, yes, yes! Frodo! We love you, we love you, we love you for ever!’
Then there was a silence. Frodo lay back in the bath with a sigh of pleasure.
‘You know, none of those riddles were really limericks,’ said one of the
lasses at last, emerging from under Frodo’s elbow. ‘We’ll have to do this
again.’
‘Oh good,’ said Frodo. When it came to the lasses’ desires, Frodo had never escaped.
Nor did he ever want to.
__________________
Coveting in the LUST PALACE!!!! - Eldalieva.
The soul of The Two Towers is in Frodo's anguished face. - Russell Swensen, LA Weekly.
O! Gil-Galad was a poncy king
Of him the jesters madly sing
The last whose realm had vodka free
Between the mountains and the sea... - Jussacgirl, LOTR Big Brother.
Last edited by Peachy on 06-19-2003 at 03:59 AM
Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged
|
06-17-2003 10:30 AM
I'm a viol player too? 
I've missed you 
Lawks and Gadzooks!
