Concerning Haremites
Chapter 3 - A Pic in the Night
*Many of the Haremites being at the Hoot*
Now the days passed slowly and wearily. Many of the Haremites not at the Hoot
spent their time piling and ordering Frodo’s shirts, and now some spoke of
ROTK pics, and bade each other eagerly to look for the all over the Net.
“For ROTK,” they said, “is worth more than a river of gold in itself, and
to us it is beyond price. That film of all the films we name unto ourselves, and
we will be avenged on anyone who finds pics and withholds them.”
Frodo heard these words and he grew worried, wondering what would happen, if a
pic was found – he had one, wrapped in a silk scarf under his pillow. (The
Haremites were too busy with the scarf when they needed it to notice anything
else under Frodo’s pillow.)
However he had no means of making it a proper screencap, and he had wanted to
save it for a time when the Harem needed it. He did not speak of it, for as the
weariness of the days grew heavier, the beginnings of a plan had come into his
beautiful head.
Things had gone on like this for some time, when Gandalf brought news that the
Hooting Haremites were making those still at Bag End West somewhat jealous, even
when assuaged with great fics like Frodo Hill, and were now within about two
days of going spare, have come from a recent frenzy.
“They cannot last long without discovering the pic,” said Gandalf privately
on a visit, “and I fear lest there be battle in the smial. Though they are
lovely lasses, you are not likely to overcome the frenzy that besets you; and
even if they did not ravish you on the spot, what will you gain? Winter and snow
is hastening before them (except for those south of the Equator)."
But Frodo was not so sure. “Winter and snow will bite both Hooters and home
lasses,” he said, “and they may find their waiting in the smial grievous to
bear. With me beside them and more pics, they will perhaps be in softer mood to
cuddle with.”
That night Frodo made up his mind. The sky was black and moonless. As soon as it
was full dark, he went to a corner of an inner chamber just within the smial and
drew from under his pillow the ROTK pic wrapped in a scarf.
Then he walked to the end of the passage. Only Narya was there, for it was her
turn in the appointment book, and the Haremites kept only one appointment at a
time.
“It is so quiet!” said Narya. “I wish we could have a frenzy in here as
they have in the Hoot!”
“It is pleasant enough at Bag End West,” said Frodo.
“I daresay; but I am going nuts till midnight,” grumbled the pretty
lass. “A sorry business altogether. Not that I venture to disagree with the
Haremites, may their beauty grow ever lovelier; yet they are ever a group to
party hard.”
“Not as hard as me,” said Frodo. (All right, stop tittering.) “I am tired
of books and being alone. I would give a good deal for the feel of a
Haremite’s fingers at my toes.”
“I would give a good deal for the feel of a good snog, and for a soft bed
after a good supper!”
“I can give you those, while the Hoot is going on. But it is long since you
had a good nap, and I will let you rest first in my room if you like. There is
no sleep in me tonight.”
”You are a sweet hobbit, Mr Baggins, and I will take your offer kindly. Rouse
me soon, mind you! I will lie in the inner chamber to the left, not far away.”
"Off you go!” said Frodo. “I will wake you at midnight, and you can
wake the next Haremite for her appointment.”
As soon as Narya had gone, Frodo put on his elven-cloak, slipped through his
bedroom window, and was gone. He had about five hours before him. Narya would
sleep (she could sleep at any time, and ever since a recent adventure in the
forest with Frodo she was always trying to recapture the beautiful dreams of the
event); and all the others were busy with the shirts. It was unlikely that any,
even Pearl or Niphredil, would come into his room until it was their turn.
It was very dark, and the road after a while, when he left the path and climbed
towards the lower course of the stream. At last he came to a bend where he had
to cross the water, if he was to make for Galadriel’s residence, as he wished.
The bed of the stream was there shallow but already broad, and fording it in the
dark was not easy for the little hobbit.
He was nearly across when he missed his footing on a round stone and fell into
the cold water with a splash. He had barely scrambled out on the far bank,
shivering and spluttering, when came elves in the gloom with bright lanterns and
searched for the cause of the noise.
“That was no fish!” one said. “There is something about. Show your lights!
They will help him more than us, if it is the Ringbearer, known as the
Haremites’ lust object.”
"Lust object indeed!” murmured Frodo; and then he sneezed loudly, and the
elves immediately gathered towards the sound.
“Let’s have a light!” he said. “I am here, if you want me!” and he
slipped off his cloak, and popped from behind a rock.
They seized him quickly, in spite of their surprise. “What are you doing
here?” they asked one after another.
“I am here on an errand,” he answered, “as the companion of the Harem, if
you want to know. It is Galadriel I particularly want to see. And I only have an
hour or two to spare.”
That is how it came about that some two hours after his dash from Bag End West,
Frodo was sitting beside a warm fire beside a large tree, and there sat too,
gazing at him, both Galadriel and Gandalf. Frodo without his Harem was something
new to them in Tol Eressea.
“Really you know,” Frodo was saying in his politest manner, “things are
impossible. I am tired of the whole affair. I wish PJ would bring on the next
film, and be more reasonable. But I have an interest in this matter – I am the
matter, to be precise. I understand Mr Jackson is to edit his film carefully,
and cut what is necessary from the total before releasing it. However you
don’t know the Harem as well as I do now. I assure you, they are quite ready
to grasp at any pic from ROTK and swoon.”
”Well, let them!” said Galadriel. “They have been waiting long enough.”
“Quite so,” said Frodo. “I see your point of view. At the same time winter
is coming on fast. Before long there will be spoilers and what not, and
resistance will be difficult – even for Haremites I imagine. Also there will
be other frustrations. You have not heard of the Hoot in Kansas City?”
“Yes, but I find one thing strange. They see you all the time!” said
Galadriel. “Why do they want new pictures of you?”
“I am not sure, exactly,” said Frodo, “but they want new pics dreadfully,
and some are miserable without their sisters. The Harem, I may tell you, is
going spare. When the pic is released there will be serious swooning.”
“And you want us to help?” asked Galadriel.
“My dear lady!” gasped Frodo. “That is a wonderful offer!”
”Let us see the pic,” she said.
“You may!” said he. “It is this!” and he drew forth the ROTK pic, and
threw away the wrapping.
Galadriel, who was used to Frodo’s beauty, stood up in amazement. Even Gandalf
gazed marvelling at it in silence. It was as if Frodo had been filled with
moonlight and stood before them in the glint of frosty stars.
“This is from the final film of the LOTR trilogy,” said Frodo. “The heart
of the trilogy, and it belongs to the heart of the Harem. They value it above a
river of gold. I give it to you. It will aid you in your framing.” Then Frodo,
not without a shudder of nerves, handed the marvellous pic to Gandalf, and he
held it in his hand, as though dazed.
“But how is it yours to give?” he asked at last with an effort.
“O well!” said the hobbit uncomfortably. “It wasn’t copyrighted, and I
am the subject after all, played by this Mr Wood. I may be a lust object – or
so they say; personally I never really thought I was one – but I am an honest
one. I hope, more or less. Anyway, I am going back now, and the Harem can do
what they like to me. I hope you will find a way of framing it.”
Galadriel looked at Frodo with a new wonder. “Frodo Baggins!” she said.
“You are generous to a fault; and wise not the tell the Harem this is your
doing. I really fear for the ravishes of your person if the lasses find out. I
have more knowledge of the Net in general than you have perhaps. I advise you to
remain with us while we work on the pic.”
”Thank you very much I am sure,” said Frodo with a bow. “But I don’t
think I ought to leave my Harem alone like this, after all we have gone through
together. And I promised to wake Narya at midnight, too! Really I must be going,
and quickly.”
Nothing they could say would stop him; so an escort was provided for him.
“Things are drawing towards the end now, unless I am mistaken,” Gandalf
said. “There is an unpleasant wait still in front of them, but keep their
hearts up.”
Cheered, Frodo hurried home. He was guided to a safe ford by the Elves and set
across dry, then he said farewell and climbed carefully back into his room. At
midnight he woke up Narya; and they spent a happy night together. At dawn Frodo
was soon fast asleep, and dreaming while the Haremites were flipping out over a
brand new pic from ROTK.
The End